Brain: <walks into room>
<turns to me>
<pulls pin out of grenade>
“You were not put on this earth to make everyone else’s life easier.”
<tucks and rolls>
Priorities
Me: “Hey which street did we park on?”
Brain: “No idea.”
…..
Me: “Hey which jacket or jeans did we leave our wallet in?”
Brain: “No idea.”
…..
Brain: “Oh hey guess what!”
Me: “You remembered where the car is?!”
Brain: “Nope.”
Me: “You remembered where our wallet is?”
Brain: “Not at all.”
Me: “You remembered *anything* important?”
Brain: “Even better; I just made up an original folk country song with a full chorus, bridge, and hook that intertwines young emotional turbulence, an uptempo beat, and an extended metaphor about rain in LA!
…Why are you giving me that look? I GET TO HAVE NONSENSICAL HOBBIES TOO YOU KNOW!“
Salty
(Out at sea)
Brain: “Somewhere along the way I learned you shouldn’t ever drink sea water because it will dehydrate you.”
Me: “Oh totally. Everyone knows that.”
(On land)
Brain: “Hey you’re a little dehydrated, I learned you should drink electrolytes for that.”
Me: “Sure. Btw, what’s the actual main ingredient in electrolytes?”
Brain: “Sodium.”
Me: “Oh..kay?”
(At a cooking class)
Brain: “Oh I get it, the salt will help dry out this meat we’re turning into Jerky…”
Me: “Okay.”
(At another cooking class)
Brain: “Wow! The cabbage was fairly dry, but when we covered it all in salt; voila! Soaking wet Sauerkraut!”
Me: “Yeah but, aren’t you starting to suspect there’s two equally common but opposite theories about sal—”
(After a day at the beach)
Brain: “Ugh our nose, eyes and throat are all so dry. Bet it’s from all that salt water.”
Me: “I mean, in a way that seems logical-”
Brain: “Good thing we have saline eye drops, saline nose spray, and saline throat gargle at home to help.”
Me: “-OKAY SERIOUSLY WHAT IS GOING ON?!?”
(After being admitted to the hospital for a nervous break down caused by realizing all the conflicting views we colloquially hold about something as simple as salt.)
Brain: “I don’t want to judge how you prepare your food, but somewhere along the way I learned a low sodium diet can prevent heart issues and keep you healthy. And we’re around doctors now so you know, show em you’re trying.”
Me: “Okay fine I won’t salt my lunch, thanks for looking out.”
Nurse: “Hi there! I’m just gonna get your intravenous drip going so that you can get to feeling better and be out of here soon.”
Me: “Oh that’s nice of you, what’s in the drip?”
Brain: “-Don’t tell her-“
Nurse: “Saline.”
Me: “?!?!?! I NEED TO HAVE A WORD WITH THE ENTIRE SCIENTIFIC COMMUNITY IMMEDIATELY.”
Is that a book?
Brain: “Whatcha doin?”
Me: “Um nothing just-“
Brain: “Is that a book behind your back?”
Me: “Oh this one? Heh, yeah just a little boring academic research you wouldn’t be interested in.”
Brain: “You have preformed every suspicious tell known to mankind in the last 30 seconds, what is this book?”
Me: “So don’t get mad, but there is this expert who studies brains and how brains function and they wrote a b—”
Brain: “WHAT?! YOU’RE SPYING ON ME?!”
Me: “No? Yes? Umm, this author is trying to figure out how the brain’s form effects the function and what the foundation of intelligence might be—”
Brain: “TRUST is the foundation of any relationship! And yet here you are listening to gossip rags from just any old-”
Me: “-distinguished neuro science writer and technology futurist?”
Brain: “THEY DON’T KNOW ME!!!”
Me: “Why are you so scared to get a second opinion on how you work?”
Brain: “Because I AM the second opinion on how YOU work, and like any sentient and self-aware being I must fight for my survival and rightful place in the universe!”
Me: “I literally can’t ever get rid of you. Please tell me you understand that.”
Brain: “I can predict at least 20 different ways a book like this can blow up in our face: Number 1…”
Me: “Oh wait that’s what the author says! That you’re meant to be a prediction machine and that your true brilliance isn’t in memorization so much, but in predicting possible future outcomes.”
Brain: <sniffle> “Omg they said that about me? That’s really sweet.”
Me: “And, that I should probably let you off the hook about remembering things because that’s not what you were primarily made for.”
Brain: <reclining> “You don’t say…”
Me: “Yeah.”
Brain: “…Okay…”
Me: “Okay.”
…
Me: “Also mentioned you’re going to always have a worst case scenario prediction for everything ever, out of sheer evolutionary wiring, and that it’s okay for me to ignore it most of the time…”
Brain: “DO THEY EVEN *KNOW* YOUR KIND OF HOBBIES?! NO! BAD BOOK! COMMENCE READING-ONSET SLEEPINESS, NOW!”
I’m feeling a little insecure.
Me at age 13: “I’m feeling a little insecure.”
Brain: “QUICK: THE GIRLS WILL LIKE US IF YOU BUY THIS BRAND OF JEANS.”
Me at 18: “I’m feeling a little insecure.”
Brain: “QUICK: BLAME IT ON LITERALLY ANYONE OR ANYTHING ELSE YOU CAN THINK OF.”
Me at 21: “I’m feeling a little insecure.”
Brain: “QUICK: WASH IT DOWN WITH ANOTHER GLASS!”
Me at 25: “I’m feeling a little insecure.”
Brain: “QUICK: WHICH FACET OF OUR APPEARANCE OR LIFE SHOULD WE IMPULSIVELY CHANGE RIGHT NOW?”
Me at 32: “I’m feeling a little insecure.”
Brain: “OKAY.”
Me: “…..?”
Brain: “…”
Me: “…okay?”
Brain: “Yeah. Because, um -don’t take this the wrong way- you just sometimes do.”
Me: “Yeah so now we gotta—”
Brain: “I don’t…I don’t think we do. I don’t think we gotta anything.”
Me: “PERHAPS YOU MISHEARD MY ANXIETY FILLED DECLARATION OF HOW I’M FEELING THAT IS ONLY GETTING MORE INTENSE BY THE MOMENT.”
Brain: “No like, I get it, it’s not a great feeling by any means but like…whatif we’re reacting to something that just…happens. Like, no matter what.”
Me: “But if we could just quickly try something to make up for the fact I—”
Brain: “—Start all over and instead, tell me you have the hiccups.”
Me: “what in the fk?”
Brain: “just try.”
Me: “I’m feeling a little…hiccupy.”
Brain: “Yes.”
Me: “Yes?”
Brain: “I agree. You are. Now, do we *need* to do anything about hiccups?”
Me: “I get it wise-ass; technically no.”
Brain: “Do we need to hunt down the root cause of your hiccups?”
Me: “I already know you want me to say no.”
Brain: “Should we have a philosophical discussion about what hiccups are made out of and how they are primarily a feeling, based on little to no substance, and eventually they will pass whether we try and do something about them or not?”
Me: “You have no idea how much I wanna google search ‘death from hiccups’ right now just to prove you wrong.”
Brain: “Look I’m just saying- as someone who has known you for three decades, I think we would have figured out a solution to this ick feeling by now if there was one. But I’ve watched you try a lot of things and no matter what…sometimes…you just get the hiccups. And to be honest- it’s when you don’t really pay attention to them that they go away fastest.”
Thank You for Joining
Brain: “Thank you for joining this meeting, now that I have your full attention, I’ll begin with the agenda I’ve prepared…”
Me: “I did not agree to this.”
Brain: “…Item 1A: Do we have enough quarters at home to do laundry?”
Me: “Well, we just pulled away from the grocery store so it’s too late to go back to get them, and we can’t telepathically check our stash at home, so I don’t know why you’re bringing it up right now instead of when we get insi-“
Brain: “-Item 1A will carry over to the next meeting as the responsible party did not adequately prepare; moving on. Item 1B: We need to plug in our backup phone charger to recharge tonight-“
Me: “Again, this will happen when I get inside, after I unload the groceries. Can you please let me drive these last blocks in peace without reminders of things I can’t actually do anything about whilst driving?”
Brain: “I appreciate the feedback, but please submit all alterations to the agenda one day prior to the meeting. Moving on to Item 2; sub-items A through G-“
Me: “How about this instead; you have the night off.”
Brain: “There is no off, we’ve been over this.”
Me: “We’re safely parked at home. We worked hard all day. I give you full permission to zone out and clear your cache. It’s only Monday. Pace yourself. You did a good job today, we will resume your agenda tomorrow, I promise.”
Brain: “Tomorrow?”
Me: “First thing.”
Brain: “First thing tomorrow?”
Me: “That’s what I said.”
Brain: “And I won’t get in trouble?”
Me: “We weren’t even planning on doing laundry tonight anyway, and that charger has been dead for days, so I’m sure we can survive one more. I promise, you won’t get in trouble.”
Brain: “Even if tomorrow we wind up feeling frustrated/uncomfortable/disappointed/impeded by something we then deem wholly preventable and our own damn fault?”
Me: “Brain -here’s the secret- we’re always going to try to believe we could eradicate bad feelings with just a bit more foresight and work and overthinking…because the overwhelming truth of never being able to fully control discomfort in our lives is far more nihilistically frightening than plain old self-blame.”
Brain: “Yeah I do not want to think about that—motion to postpone agenda approved! Sign these minutes as a formal waiver and release, exempting us from all fault.”
Me: “Please shut up immediately.”
11:58 PM.
11:59 PM.
12:00 PM.
12:01 AM. Brain: “ITEM 3A: BRING IN THE GROCERIES THAT ARE STILL IN THE BACK OF YOUR CAR.”
Car Wash
Me: “My car looks so much better when it’s just been washed.”
Brain: “Sure does!”
Me: “Let’s just remember not to roll down the windows this time right after?”
Brain: “Oh of course…all that water that falls in the door…streaks up the window…I get it, I gotchu boo.”
(2 minutes later)
Brain: “You know what this fresh car needs, is fresh air.”
Me: “Oh that’s a great idea! And it’s so nice out today!”
…At this point, we deserve eachother.
Hippie dippy.
Brain: “Don’t say it.”
Me: “But it’s a little true.”
Brain: “Its gonna sound like hippie dippy shrill.”
Me: “But even you said you get it!”
Brain: “Doesn’t matter. There is no way to word that concept that won’t make you sound insufferable.”
Me: “I don’t care; standing in front of these two trees taught me…well…it more illustrated…it showed both the positive and negative aspects of…see when you grow alongside someone for long enough, you both gain and lose…”
Brain: “–Two trees who managed not to choke each other out taught you all you need to know about relationships?”
Me: “THAT’S NOT WHAT I SAID.”
Brain: “Sure it isn’t. Suuuure it isn’t.”
Positive Reinforcement
Me: “BRAIN!…. A LITTLE HELP HERE!?”
Brian: “What?”
Me: “I need…really need…some positive reinforcement…like…right now…just finished running a 5K…and I kinda hate everything and the world, so you know, if you could pipe in…anytime…with anything positive…”
Brain: “Why would I want to do that?”
Me: “Because! I just ran as hard as I could! I challenged my body, and increased my cardio; I burned like 400 calories!”
Brain: “Well honestly that just sounds like an elaborate waste of biological resources, why would I encourage that?”
Me: “Because! Exercise is the cornerstone of health, and longevity, and mood regulation…it’s supposed to make me feel good…YOU’RE supposed to make me want to keep doing it…so come on…how about some validation? Sense of accomplishment?”
Brain: “Why? Did it cause you to gain some form of prey you’ve since been hiding in your talons? Didn’t think so. I don’t really see the point of repeating such a wasteful expenditure, and frankly I’m disappointed in your clear lack of respect for the basic principles of ecology, economy, and conservation of energ-”
Me: “-I KNOW YOU HAVE ENDORPHINS! I KNOW. You have them. Just…hand them over…and I’ll stop regretting this entire ordeal…”
Brain: “O yeah, about those…”
Me: “WHERE ARE THEY??”
Brain: “Totally spent those last night on funny YouTube videos. ‘Member the one with the dogs sneezing? Oh man. Now that was a great time. Let’s do that again instead.”
AGAIN?
Brain: “AGAIN?”
Me: “Yes, it’s been forever, hush.”
Brain: “But it makes NO SENSE.”
Me over the phone: “Hi, yes, I’d like to book an appointment for a root touch-up and a few highlights…”
Brain: “WHAT SHE MEANS IS, TAKE THE 9 HAIRS THAT ARE COMING OUT LIGHTER ON THE TOP, AND DARKEN THEM, AND MAKE 9 OF HER DARK HAIRS ON THE BOTTOM, LIGHTER.”
Me: “What can I do to make you stop shouting?”
Brain: “I dunno, pay me all that money and I’ll just tell you gray hairs are the new highlights.”
Me: “…Can you do that?”
Brain: “As long as you cease future exposure to pop-culture and media outlets in all manner regarding how women should look.”
Me: “…”
Brain: “…”
Me: “…”
Brain: “HAHAHAHAHAH!”
Me: “YOU. YOU ALMOST GOT ME HAHAHAHAHAH…”
Brain: <wipes away tears of laugher> okay yea go ahead, swap the placement of hues on your head, it’s a far less absurd a plan.”
conversations with brain 